Last week I got a good old-fashioned zit. Something I thought I might not experience again; a benefit of being 57, right? But I went through all of the things; touching it way too much, trying to squeeze it way too early, feeling the low-key shame that I was messing with it and making it more red and pronounced.
But this week…this week I got a fever blister. So much worse! More painful, more noticeable, and taps into a lot more discomfort. I mean, it’s herpes (HSV-1). I caught it from my High School boyfriend because we kissed at the very wrong time…when he was contagious. And although we had no idea, this unreasonable shame/blame gets attached to having a virus that causes something so gross on one’s face. I have the additional emotional hiccup of having passed this on to my kids. Whenever one of us gets an outbreak we pump our fist at my High School boyfriend in pretend outrage. It’s nice, because it takes the focus off my culpability.
(looks subtler here than it became a few hours after my pity-party photo shoot)
You may agree with my husband who was bright-siding the situation, “your clients won’t notice, it isn’t that bad!” This said while the telltale white bubble of suspect fluid is building on my upper lip. I counter that the chances of my clients not noticing are, well, zero. Therapy is, after all, a face-forward profession at its core. We are literally staring at each other for an entire hour. So, it’s pretty difficult to have a grotesque thing on your face and not say a word about it. I mean, how am I asking people to share their shame, their secrets, and be as vulnerable as they have ever been while pretending that I don’t have VISIBLE HERPES??? Do I wait for my clients’ eyes to drift down to it before I bring it up? Or do I preempt it and open it up first? One of my clients, no joke, after I explained it was there, stared at it tenderly for at least 10 seconds that felt like 5 minutes. Woah, so, who’s doing their inner work in that moment?
I’m lucky, I don’t carry most of my wounds visibly. My little cold sore problem is so, so small, in the context of everything. But it is an essential piece of my humanity; it’s important for me to remember and important for my clients to know. I’m just a person, personing in this world. Hoping, like everyone, for some understanding and compassion along the way. When we give it, and maybe even more when we receive it, we grow our capacity to give and receive the most essential gift; open-hearted acceptance.
Ultimately, I will NEVER begrudge this bit of my humanity because it gave me my initial connection to my very best friend in the world, Susie. My freshman year of college at JMU, I was on my way to aerobics while suffering a particularly icky herpes lip explosion. Being a bit histrionic, I spun around, away from my friends, and focused on the first person I saw that I didn’t know—Susie. I pointed to my mouth and said, “is the first thing you notice about me this fever blister???” She dissolved in laughter and thus began 35 years of the most important friendship of my life.
So, what does it look like to embrace your humanity this week?